"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

Alright, this weekend, while at home, my parents bought a few chairs to put out in the yard and by the pond. But after reading the manual – maybe we should be rethinking this purchase…

Comfortable Natural Fir wood Adirondack rocking chair – Assembly and Operating Instructions. (yep, operating instructions)

Safety Warnings and Precautions

Warning: When assembling this item, basic safety precautions should always be followed to reduce the risk of personal injury and damage to equipment.

• Keep assembly area clean. Cluttered areas invite injuries. (okay, fair enough, common sense, but fair enough)
• Observe work area conditions. Keep work area well lighted (unless you plan to assemble this chair via sonar)
• Keep children away. Children must never be allowed in the assembly area. (Sorry Jorin and Jantzen, you guys are going to have to go next door for this – faaaar away) Do not let them handle machines, tools, or extension cords. (free parenting advice offered as well) Avoid small fingers being pinched. They could be accidently pushed between slats. (accidentally pushed?? By who??) Avoid rocking over small children’s hands or feet and even pet’s tails when sitting in the chair. (oh man, I’m glad I read this before operating) Children should supervised closely when using this product. (Or else what??)
• Do not exceed weight capacity of this chair. To do so may cause personal injury or property damage. (Phew, property damage?? we need to watch out for our cement pad out there we’re putting it on, not to mention your Real Estate!) Rocking too hard could cause tipping of the chair and injury. Do not use the rocker near pool, pond, spa (I was going to take it with me to the spa, but I guess not now ) or water source: tipping of rocker could cause injury. (Didn’t they already say that?)
• Use the right chair for the job. (What chair? What job? What even could have possibly lead to the necessity to put in that warning?) Do not modify this chair and do not use this chair for a purpose for which it was not intended. (Like what???)
• Do not overreach. Keep proper footing and balance during assembly. (Yep, during assembly. Be sure you don’t lose your balance while putting this chair together. Feet shoulder width apart, back straight…)
• Stay alert. Watch what you are doing. Use common sense during assembly and use of this chair. (See warning below step 13)
• Use eye and ear protection. Always wear ANSI approved impact safety goggles during assembly. (Will this chair be exploding?)
• Take caution as some woods contain preservatives such as copper chromium arsenate (CCA) which can be toxic. When handling these materials, extra care should be taken to avoid inhalation and minimize skin contact. (Avoid skin contact when assembling and operating the chair…)
• Check for damaged parts. Before using this chair, any part that appears damaged should be carefully checked to determine that it will operate properly and perform its intended function. Any part that is damaged should be properly repaired or replaced.
• Replacement parts and accessories. If contents are damaged, use only identical replacement parts. Use of any other parts will void the warranty.
• Do not assemble this chair if under influence of alcohol or drugs. (If I were to get drunk, assembling a rocking chair would be the first thing I would want to do…). Read warning labels on prescription to determine if your judgment or reflexes are impaired while taking drugs.(Again, moving away from assembly instructions, but ensuring you know how to take pills safely. Man they are so thoughtful!) If there is any doubt, do not proceed with assembly. (Just in case you are not sure that you are intoxicated-always better to assume you are.)
• Maintenance. For your safety, service maintenance should be performed regularly. Check the alignment of all parts, and check the tightness of all fasteners.

Warning: The warnings, cautions and instruction discussed in this instruction manual cannot cover all possible conditions and situations that may occur. It must be understood by the operator that common sense and caution are factors which cannot be built into this product, but must be supplied by the operator. (I cannot even comment on this one…)